Imagine being told you ‘can’t come to the wedding, but hey, we’d love you to buy us a pressie!’

An extraordinary new trend seems to be emerging, where people are not invited to the wedding, but encouraged to give a gift to the delightful couple anyway. Yep, the wedding ‘uninvitation’ is apparently a real thing.

Weddings should bring out the best in us. They are supposed to be occasions of joy (see Stacey Solomon and Joe Swash being adorable), or perhaps hope (see Boris Johnson, and/or Jennifer Lopez prioritising optimism over experience).

…anyone who has ever been involved in a wedding knows they are often a breeding ground for bad behaviour

But anyone who has ever been involved in a wedding at any level knows they are often a breeding ground for bad behaviour. Slammed doors, tantrums over everything from ribbons to religion, and appalling manners abound.

I’m not even going to apologise for sounding like my mother when I throw my hands in the air and ask anyone who’ll listen. “Whatever happened to good manners?”, especially now I know about the existence of the ‘wedding uninivation’.

The what now?

Ingle and Rhode, a jewellery company, seems to think it is providing a community service. By offering a free-to-download wedding uninvitation.

Just no. If someone is not invited to your wedding, you don’t get to suggest that a present might be nice

This appalling little document features twee purple flowers last seen in the wild on a tampon box in 1986. It takes nine (NINE!) cringeworthy paragraphs to inform the unfortunate recipient that they are not invited to the wedding. But if you’d like to buy the couple a gift, you’re more than welcome to do so.

No. Just no. If someone is not invited to your wedding, you don’t get to suggest that a present might be nice. Epecially as the “sorry, babes, you’re not invited” bombshell is dropped after five paragraphs of expectation-management-free blather about how hard it is to plan a wedding in these difficult times.

Oh, but it gets better

As a consolation prize, the uninvitation invites you to follow the wedding on social media. At least that’s a free activity that can be done while sitting on the sofa in one’s underpants scoffing Doritos from the bag, I guess. But the whole thing is just so… presumptuous.

I can imagine a ridiculously self-important influencer couple sending uninvitations. There would be some sort of hideous, grifting deal with advertisers and collaborators as they told the world about their inane union in a series of Instagram posts from a Dubai hotel balcony. As if we’re all dying to attend their tacky wedding in the first place or something.

It doesn’t matter if the social media pictures indicate dresses by Dior, Champagne fountains on every table, or a gold-encrusted cake the height of an Olympic pole-vaulter. You’re a human budget cut.

OK, so a bit upsetting, really, but…

Obviously, your heart can sink a little if you’re not invited to a wedding. Particularly where you thought you were a guestlist shoo-in. And, from the point of view of the happy couple – who can only be a bride and groom, according to Ingle and Rhode – culling the guestlist is one of the least fun wedding planning tasks.

But can we all please be a little more adult and stiff-upper-lip about this?

Everyone knows times are tough. Nobody should expect their currently engaged friends to throw a royal wedding and invite everyone they know. If you want to start an awkward why-weren’t-we-invited conversation, that’s on you. Honestly, for your own self-esteem, just assume it was a budget issue and get on with your life.

And if you’re half of the happy couple, you don’t owe anyone a nine-paragraph explanation as to why they’re not invited. Any more than you should suggest the uninvited might like to fork out for a present! Hell, while I’ve got your attention, I’m here to tell you that I find wedding lists, even for the INvited, a bit rude.

What happened to giving from the heart?

Are people so lacking in imagination these days that they can’t think of a single wedding present idea?

What is the deal with asking people for a washing machine? How are these betrothed weirdos washing their clothes before the wedding? Will they be getting married in unwashed socks? And so what if they get four toasters?

That sort of coincidence only ever happens in movies. People in the real world are terrified to buy toasters as wedding gifts after seeing a movie where someone received four toasters.

Engaged couples of the world! It’s time to go back to basics when it comes to gifts. Ditch the wedding lists and leave the presents to fate.

And, please, for the love of all that is holy. Do not even consider suggesting ideal presents to the people you’ve culled. Be grateful if they even like your Facebook wedding album, and never mention it again.

Georgia Lewis

In a career that has spanned Australia, the Middle East and the UK, Georgia has written about all sorts of things, including sex, cars, food, oil and gas, insurance, fashion, travel, workplace safety, health, religious affairs, glass and glazing… When she’s not writing words for fun and profit, she can usually be found with a glass of something French and red in her hand.