Intelligence is now my biggest sexual turn-on…

Intelligence has always mattered to me when choosing partners. I’ve never been drawn to empty charm or surface-level allure. But as I’ve moved into my sixties, this preference has hardened into a firm boundary – I refuse to date stupid men anymore. But what exactly does sapiosexual mean?

Sapiosexuality – coined from Latin ‘sapiens’ (“wise”) – gained traction in the early 2000s and mainstreamed in 2014 when OKCupid added it as an orientation option. A later 2018 study in Intelligence by Gilles Gignac introduced the Sapiosexuality Questionnaire (SapioQ). It found that most people value intelligence highly, but many treat it as a primary sexual trigger.

For sapiosexuals, a sharp mind is the draw. Articulating complex ideas is foreplay, and philosophical debates outshine physical traits.

A brilliant mind isn’t optional for me anymore; it’s the spark that ignites everything else. Physical attraction counts, but without an intellectual match, there’s no real chemistry, no lasting desire, no point pursuing it further.

Age brings clarity: time is finite, and I refuse to waste it on men whose minds can’t keep up with mine. I’ve dated perfectly nice guys – kind, attractive, successful – who simply didn’t stimulate me intellectually. Some were, quite frankly, a bit stupid. The conversations felt flat and repetitive, the debates non-existent. And the bedroom spark dies like a damp squib without mental foreplay. No amount of good looks or charm could compensate for that.

A few months ago, I matched with a man online

His photos showed a strikingly handsome younger guy – chiselled jaw, sparkly grey eyes, fit physique (he’s a part-time fitness instructor). We talked on the phone, then met for a candlelit dinner in a cosy bistro. He was 15 years my junior, a musician, well-educated, aligned with my worldview, and he laughed at all my terrible jokes. Tick. Tick. Tick!

The more we conversed, the more attractive he became. I skipped alcohol that night – I needed a clear head for big decisions. He was almost too perfect, like something I’d manifested. Halfway through, he confessed that he was a sapiosexual. “I’ve dated plenty of stunning women,” he said, “but beauty alone is like an empty box wrapped in silk. No mental match, no spark.” He tapped his temple. “It’s hard to get things going upstairs in the bedroom when there’s not much going on upstairs in the brain.”

By the evening’s end, after mind-expanding talk, I felt more alive than on any shallow date

His words hit home. I admitted I’d dated men who didn’t challenge me mentally – nice but dim, intellectually underwhelming. By the evening’s end, after mind-expanding talk, I felt more alive than on any shallow date. Age gap aside, his brain made my pulse race faster than his looks ever could.

His sustained interest over weeks felt like a big compliment too. Then the insecurity crept in. Did he find me physically attractive, or was “looks don’t matter” code for “old and ugly”?

For older people, it’s a about more than just brains

A 2021 eHarmony study showed that daters over 50 prize compassion and fun-loving spirit above six-packs or flawless skin. Physicality remains appealing – we’re only human – but it’s no longer the big deal it once was.

The UK’s over-50s demographic is booming: the 50+ population grew 47% (6.8 million) over the last 40 years (Centre for Ageing Better, State of Ageing 2025). Singledom is common. And after several sharp rises over the past 15 years, a quarter of over-50s happily live alone.

Many still seek companionship – even love – but on their terms. A 2024 SunLife survey found over-50s prioritise personality – wit, kindness and intellectual curiosity – alongside lifestyle fit. And emotional security over abs or youth. My friends agree: “In my thirties, tall, dark, and handsome,” one 64-year-old gal-pal of mine laughs. “Now? All I want is someone who can discuss The Handmaid’s Tale without spoilers, and cook a decent risotto.”

This isn’t just maturation – it’s underlined by cultural shifts. Even reality TV shows like Love Is Blind, Married at First Sight and Your Mum, My Dad prioritise personality and lasting bonds over standalone physicality.

For me, this brain-led romance was a revelation. It made me realise that I’m entering an era of intellectual eroticism. Never mind legs or cleavage – flaunt your mind. It’s the sexiest asset we own.

Unfortunately, the romance ultimately fizzled out. Because of the distance between us, regular dates were not to be. And ultimately, although he claimed to like my mind, I grew less keen on his as time passed. To be totally honest, after a few more chats, I realised I found him a bit repetitive and boring.

Turns out I may be even more of a sapiosexual than he is! And he doesn’t even play chess…