Let’s say you started dating your loving spouse when you were 22, got married at 25-30 and are still going strong today. That’s an awfully long time to be stuck with the same person. How do you avoid killing them?!
The average life expectancy for men is currently 79.4 years, and for women it’s even longer at 83.1 years. That means that on average, you can have a wonderful 54.4 years of bliss with a partner.
That equates to 19,366 days of waking up to the same snoring, the same morning breath and maybe even the same (if you are particularly blessed) farting in the bed!
We feel your pain. So, we have collated our top 10 tips to avoid stabbing your spouse to death one night over a particularly bad disagreement on the outcome of Britain’s Got Talent.
1. Invest in some high-quality headphones
A simple one but a definite must. Those sweet dulcet tones or husky voice that once drove you mad with desire but now makes you want to claw your own eyes out; block it out with some heavy-duty ear protectors.
2. Make friends . . . separately
You know you have spent years making friends with other couples who share your interests; couples’ curry takeaways, couples’ quiz nights and even planned trips abroad together. Now is the time to abandon these friends completely; chances are half of them are divorced anyway. Now, what you need are friends that your other half despises, friends that you can happily see on your own without your wife/husband wanting to tag along. Distance is now your friend.
3. Get a hobby or five
Anything that gets you out of the house and away from your spouse is a good thing. Remember the times when you couldn’t bear to be apart for even an hour? Those days are long gone. You want to keep yourself out of prison? Spend as much time away from your partner as possible. Preferably doing things you enjoy, remember you’ve put up with them for this long, surely you are entitled to some fun?
4. Sleep separately
Why-oh-why has society made it the norm for couples to sleep in the same bed?? Do you need to sleep together to have sex? No, there is a perfectly acceptable sofa, car or washing machine that you can do that on. The only thing that sleeping in the same bed together does for a marriage is kill it. Snoring, fidgeting, kicking, stealing all the covers, the list goes on. So, do yourself a favour and invest in separate beds ASAP.
5. Become addicted to boxsets
This is one you can actually do together with minimal risk of violence occurring. There are so many gripping dramas out there and more are being created every day, (specifically, we firmly believe, to stop couples killing each other of an evening).
6. Spice up your sex life
Literally do whatever it takes to keeps things hot; sex swings, vibrating rings, love toys, inflatable boys (well men). If you feel the urge to grab something sharp and pointy, take our advice and grab something else instead.
7. Choose your poison wisely
No, we don’t mean actual poison for killing your partner. We are talking about your drug of choice whether it be booze, fags or of the herbal variety. Make sure you pick a vice that relaxes rather than rages you; don’t add more fuel to the already burning fire.
8. Avoid the chore war
Are you constantly arguing about dirty underwear, unwiped surfaces and overgrown weeds? Let it go. Embrace the mess or get a cleaner. End of.
9. Do not let your mother or father -in-law move in
Retirement homes are expensive, we get it. But so are defence lawyers. Offering to care for your elderly in-laws is the ultimate nail in the coffin of your marriage (or spouse, potentially). Think about all the things that annoy you in your partner; now think about where he/she might have got these traits from. The apple never falls far from the tree. Get your nearest retirement village on speed dial now or invest in a live-in companion.
10. Watch out for surveillance
Not a tip per se, but if all else fails and you are planning to kill your other half, best not to ‘Google How to Kill Your Husband/Wife’ on your own devices before you do it, gives the game away somewhat. Probably go to an internet café for that.