Listen to this article Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

Dreading Valentine’s because you’ve had enough of the other half? Send the right message with these not-so-subtle gifts…

Sooo – you don’t want to be that person who breaks up with someone around Valentine’s? But you’re sick to death of looking at them!?

Let your choice of gift do the talking! Our cheeky guide to Valentine’s gifts that are bound to get rid of your other half.

(And yes, this is supposed to be funny, but if it helps, well… who are we to argue?!)

How to get through Valentine’s Day when you’re single

Trip of a lifetime

Can’t bear to be in the same country as him, let alone the same room? Treat him to the trip of a lifetime! A one-way ticket to the other side of the world. Yay!

Flights to Australia, Flightcentre

 

Keep it tidy 

Get her a fantastic new vacuum cleaner so she can keep the house lovely and clean for you. Her face will light up with delight as she opens her new cleaning equipment. How romantic.

Starlyf Cordless Vac – Cordless hoover, £149.99

 

Enough is enough 

Fed up with seeing his face? Had enough of watching endless sport all weekend? Get him a shed, preferably with a padlock on the outside, and enjoy some peace and quiet as he settles into his man-cave.

Pressure Treated Windowless Apex Wooden Shed, £319.99

 

Face it 

Feel like she’s looking a bit tired these days? Get her a facelift thingy! She’s sure to be grateful…

NuFACE TRINITY+ Starter Kit Smart Facial Toning Device, £385

 

Get some satisfaction

He’s not quite reaching the mark in the bedroom anymore? So get him something that will help! He will be thrilled when you gift him a range of sex toys (to use on you) that will really do the job properly.

The Mega Bundle, Love. Not War, £220 

 

Bundle up

It’s still quite nippy, but you need something suitable for spring. Get her a nice parka that she’ll look great in. In your size.

Men’s Palben Waterproof Insulated Parka Jacket, Regatta, £39.95

 

Ready for it 

Not pulling his weight in the kitchen? Get him a subscription for these ‘extra tender’ ready meals, so he doesn’t have to cook. Or chew. He’ll be thrilled.

Wiltshire Farm Foods Extra Tender Subscription meals, from £4.65

 

Cover your tracks…

Plotting the ultimate relationship ender!? Don’t leave a trail of clues in your search history. Learn how to bump her off without getting caught through this detective game. Bonus points if you use her credit card to pay for it.

The Disappearance of Claire Makova: The Whole Adventure, The Detective Society, £168